The Blame Game

Ed gets attention from older sister, Janie.

When someone we love dies of a horrible, seemingly senseless illness, accident, occurrence...we tend to want to blame someone.

Perhaps, we can blame someone whom we feel caused our loved ones death by being negligent, careless, reckless, or uncaring. Or maybe the environment played a part in causing his/her death. He worked with chemicals or dangerous tools. 

And we can also speculate that the doctors who looked after our loved one were not competent, didn't care about him/her, didn't give the right treatment or medications to help or cure our loved one.

Sometimes, we blame ourselves. We didn't see the signs of illness soon enough, we didn't listen when they said they didn't feel well, we didn't visit enough, care enough, give enough, or do enough.

Often, we blame the beloved him/herself. We think, if only he didn't smoke, drink, do drugs or make poor choices in his life. Or if only she had lost weight, exercised, or did the things her doctor told her to do.

I admit I had all these thoughts during Ed's illness and after his death.

I blamed his boss for not providing safety equipment such as ventilation for the wood shop where he worked for many years, and for exposing him to the chemically treated wood used to build cabinets. I would sometimes forget that his boss was one of his best friends and provided Ed with a steady job for the past 25 years or more, and even paid him his full paycheck the weeks there wasn't enough work to do to make a full 40 hours.

I blamed his doctors and the drug companies because maybe they could have provided better care and made a more potent drug that should have killed his cancer. Maybe they were prejudiced against him because of his age or because he was uninsured. Then, I would have to remember, his care and medications were almost all donated or provided for by some type of agency or from someone's generosity, including his oncologist.

I would get angry at myself for not doing enough to help. But then I would remember, I can only do as much as I can without endangering my own health and sanity.

I admit, I wondered sometimes what if Ed had stopped smoking years earlier? Would it have prevented his brain cancer? Made it less devastating? But upon research, I learn, that this type of cancer doesn't appear to be directly related to cigarette smoking or any other thing he could have drank, eaten or smoked.

And lastly,  people will blame God. They will scream, yell, cry and even curse God! They will be angry at Him, because they know He could heal their loved one from their illness...if only He would. They become so angry because God didn't listen to their prayers, or the prayers of others, and cure the one they love. 

I can honestly say I never 'blamed' God for Ed's illness or death. I don't pretend to understand why God let it happen to him, and I have even been angry with God for letting him suffer. Luckily, God is big enough (*smile*) to handle my temper tantrums and easily forgives me for my outbursts.  I never cursed God or threatened him. I did try bargaining with him..."God, if you will make that brain tumor go away, I'll dedicate my every breath to you....", well, you can imagine the look on God's face when he heard that one! 

But, finally I was at peace with God's decision to have this happen to Ed, and to us, for He has a reason for it. Whether or not we understand it or like it. God is always in control, even when we think our life is nothing but chaos.

One thing you do find out when you go through something like this, is who your true friends are. I am talking about friends, friends who are also family, co-workers, neighbors, and people you go to church with. You learn that sometimes, no matter what you are going through, some of your 'friends' think what you are going through is nothing compared to what they are going through. 

Then, you have those friends who just really step up and rise up and lift up. Those are the friends...be it friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, and maybe a fellow church member or two, who really reach inside themselves and give to you what you need when you feel like no one understands or cares...they are the ones who came and visited, the ones who sat and held his hand, or yours. The ones who brought a meal, or gave a hug. The ones who came to the memorial service even though they had NEVER even met your dad, or the ones who sent a card or a note. They are the ones who pitched in a few bucks to be tucked in a card, who brought a plant or said a silent prayer. Your friends are the ones who did these things, but didn't expect anything in return. These are the ones who didn't tuck their tails and run when things got ugly and uncomfortable.

Thank you to everyone who did any small thing that brought me or my family comfort. I hope to return the favor someday, but hopefully not because someone you love very much is suffering or passed away.

To all those 'friends' who turned away during my greatest time of need, it's okay. I don't blame you. Well, maybe a little bit.